Freedom from Numbing: How Sobriety & Healing Can Break Generational Chains

EPISODE SUMMARY:

Explore the messy, miraculous intersection of sobriety, inner healing, and self-forgiveness. 

This is for you if you’ve ever...

• Used coping mechanisms (weed, alcohol, scrolling, busyness) that left you emptier than before
• Felt your past trauma creeping into your parenting
• Wondered why healing isn’t linear (or fast)
• Needed permission to not have it all figured out

Through raw stories and hard-won wisdom, guest Nicole and host, Ashley reveal:

• How alcohol and other numbing behaviors often mask deeper wounds (generational trauma, unmet needs, identity struggles)
• Why "rock bottom" is optional
• The uncomfortable truth: Sobriety isn’t the finish line—it’s the first step toward reclaiming your voice, faith, and family legacy
• Addiction isn’t the root problem—it’s the symptom of what you haven’t processed
• Breaking cycles requires awareness + action 
• Community isn’t just helpful—it’s necessary for lasting freedom

KEY MOMENTS:

[10:15] The Lies We Inherit

• "What’s wrong with you?" → breaking generational language patterns
• Nicole’s daughter’s "Get away from me!" moment (and the hug that healed them both)

[22:30] Sobriety as Sacred Rebellion

• Why labels like "alcoholic" can limit your healing
• Your host’s confession: "I chose my kids over the bottle"

[35:40] Parenting While Healing

• How unprocessed trauma shows up in discipline and connection
• The *"3-Second Pause"* for triggers (Nicole’s go-to tool)

[45:00] Faith Meets Therapy

• How EMDR and Internal Family Systems helped rewire deep wounds
• The prayer that shifted everything: "You need to forgive yourself"

[55:20] Your Freedom Toolkit

• Practical step: Say "I need…" out loud (even to your mirror)
• Join the Her Identity Project Sisterhood to keep growing

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS:

1. Healing begins when you stop numbing
   • Try this: Name one emotion you’ve been avoiding this week.
2. Your kids are your mirrors—not your judges
   • When triggered, ask: "What did little-me need in this moment?"
3. Sobriety reveals what you’ve been escaping
   • Journal prompt: "What pain was my [drinking/overworking/etc.] protecting me from?"
4. Community is your lifeline
   • Text a friend today: "I’m struggling with ___. Can we talk?"
5. Freedom is a daily practice with Identity rooted in Christ
   • Declare this week: "I’m not who I was. I’m becoming who He says I am."

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• [Book] Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker
• [App] Reframe

Join our sisterhood on this journey of becoming radiant and free!
This is your space to grow with a community of women supporting each other as we step into true freedom. https://www.facebook.com/groups/948649984145133

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:01

Welcome! This is Her Identity Project, a safe space for women to explore faith, self-discovery, and personal growth. Here, we will journey together to become our best whole selves, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's time to let go of everything that is holding you back from becoming the woman God created you to be. If you're ready to reclaim your authentic self, Stick around. I'm your host, Ashley Iduda, and this is Her Identity Project. Hi, guys. So this episode, we're focusing on what if sobriety isn't about quitting, but finally showing up for yourself. I cannot wait for you to hear this conversation with one of my best girlfriends, Nicole. This episode drops almost one year to the day after I decided to stop getting drunk. And it's not because I hit rock bottom, so to speak, but because I refuse to let my kids inherit the pain that I grew up with. My friend Nicole's journey mirrors this. Her healing began not with a dramatic low, but with a therapist's wake-up call that she couldn't prioritize mental health while numbing with alcohol. What we've learned? That sobriety wasn't the finish line. It was the first step in a freedom journey. Recovering from trauma, discovering our identity in Christ, and finally advocating for our needs. And how wild is it that this conversation lands just before Independence Day? God's timing is no coincidence. This is for anyone who's tired of the rock-bottom narrative and ready for redemption. This is for you if you've ever used wine, shopping, busyness, exercise, whatever your thing is, to cope, only to feel emptier afterwards. you've ever looked at your parenting and panicked because you swore you'd never do that thing that your parents did, if you've ever felt frustrated that your healing just isn't happening fast enough, or if you just needed someone to say, hey, it's okay to not have it all together. Here's what we're unpacking in this episode. We talk a lot about realizing that addiction wasn't the real problem. It was just the band-aid. It's how we were trying to patch the deeper pain. We talk about why rock bottom doesn't have to look like losing everything. We talk about how our parents' unresolved trauma shows up in our parenting and how we're stopping the cycle. And the uncomfortable truth that sobriety starts when we get brutally honest with ourselves. And here's why it matters. This isn't some polished redemption story. It's two messy, imperfect women figuring it out as we go. We've learned that healing doesn't happen in a straight line and that's okay that God shows up most powerfully in our messiest moments and sometimes the bravest prayer is just saying I need help. So if you're ready to trade shame for radical self-compassion, start seeing your triggers as teachers rather than enemies, find freedom from people-pleasing, or parent from a place of wholeness rather than hurt, you're in the right place. Because here's the beautiful truth. Our sobriety journeys turned out to be about so much more than alcohol and smoking weed. They became this gateway to discovering our worth, finding our voices, and learning how how to receive the love that Christ has been trying to give us all along. And can we just marvel at God's timing for a second? I still can't get over how this episode drops right before Independence Day. I swear, I don't plan these things. He's just showing off like that. And it happens every time. I swear. So wherever you're at in your journey, whether you're still in the thick of it or starting to see breakthroughs, this conversation is for you. Let's dive in when sobriety isn't about alcohol with Nicole Kylan Urban. When Sobriety Isn't About Alcohol with Nicole Urban Kylan. So if you had to give somebody a quick snapshot of like what you've experienced in 30 seconds or one minute, like what would you say encapsulates your sobriety journey or your inner healing journey or whatever is on your mind and your heart right now?

SPEAKER_00: 5:00

You know, you and I were talking about this. You don't have to have it all figured out to be able to help other people. Yeah. And I guess that's why I'm here. I want to hear your 30-second infomercial or whatever about, I guess, your story. Would that be all right to do? Yeah. So

SPEAKER_01: 5:20

about a year ago exactly, which is what's cool about the timing of this episode, I... recognized that I was just not okay. And I asked my husband to let me go on a healing journey because he was expecting me to go back to work. And I just was like, I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I basically know I needed to be in therapy. So I was like, I'm going to make my needs a priority, probably for the first time, maybe in my entire life. And what really happened was that I got inebriated on July 4th, made of like just so much shame. And I just said, enough's enough, Ashley. Like we're not getting wasted anymore. We're not letting alcohol like control our life. And we're not going to check out and get high all the time either because I had been smoking weed habitually for Pretty much my entire life since I was 15 and I'm 41. So you can do the math. So the short story is I really felt the need to give up getting high and getting drunk. And to be clear, I'm not sober. Like I still drink, but I have not been high. Praise God. I haven't smoked weed. I haven't eaten a gummy. I haven't gotten high, even though I've been surrounded by people who have. And I prefer the sober life. Like, yes, I'll have a drink or two, but I have no desire to get drunk anymore. So what I want to talk about now, how... our lives have changed as a result of those decisions. But how would you talk about what you've done differently? I

SPEAKER_00: 7:24

thought maybe when I had kids, I would get sober. Like I thought alcohol was the problem. I thought having kids would, you know, you get pregnant, you have to be sober for the baby. And then I thought, okay, well, if I have to get sober for nine months then I can stay sober and that's not what happened and somewhere it just all the dots started connecting together I don't even know the right order or what exactly happened but I've wanted to be sober for a very long time like I probably since I started drinking at 15 you know I I would have regrets, horrible things happen to people. Like how many rock bottoms do you need to hit? You know, a lot of my rock bottoms, but it was never like the rock bottom was never enough. Like there wasn't one big turning point. That's like, you have to get sober. Like you can't do that anymore. I wanted it for my kids. I wanted it for my health. I wanted it for every reason. And no matter how much I wanted it, I felt like it controlled me. and not the other way around. And then I like, like you made inner healing a priority in my life. And through that, I have found it easier to get sober or like alcohol isn't the issue anymore. Like when I used to want to quit drinking, I, I, there was like, I remember like sitting on my toilet. This is so weird, but I had like a little toilet closet where it was like my sheets shed I guess if I just needed a minute to myself and I was like like every morning in there like I'm not gonna drink today I'm not gonna drink today I'm not gonna drink today and then like by after work on the way home I was picking up alcohol you know and that's how I dealt with everyday stresses not even like big traumatic things it was just like every every day it was just what I did part of my habit part of the routine um But I think like prioritizing my mental health allowed me to break the chains. And obviously with God's help, because we would not, I would not be where I am now, which is not 100% perfect or perfection, but I feel like because of him and because of the inner healing that I have been doing, alcohol is no longer the issue that it was.

SPEAKER_01: 10:02

I love that you said alcohol wasn't the issue. For me, it was less of a drinking problem and more of a smoking weed problem. I was using it as a way to numb myself and check out and not have to feel the feelings. I didn't want to have to process alcohol. the confusion and the hurt and the pain and like everything internally going on inside me. And I think that's what you mean when you say it wasn't the alcohol.

SPEAKER_00: 10:38

It wasn't the alcohol and it was, it could be anything like for people listening that are like, well, I I've never had a drink or like drinking doesn't affect me like that. And like, um, I'm not addicted to anything or maybe it is something else. Like, eating or you know over exercising like that's a thing too like whatever it is that you're using to handle stress and old wounds like that's the biggest thing that I'm on right now is I don't know why this is on my heart so I'm just gonna say it but I had a lot of old wounds and when I would drink, they would come to the surface. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I was thinking about was like, oh, and it almost was like a pity party, like for me, all this shitty stuff, excuse my language, all this crappy stuff has happened to me. For me, for me, for me, when you're, you know, drunk, it's easy to get down and negative, but like those old wounds need tending to, because even if you're not drinking, they're impacting your thoughts and belief systems and patterns and everything like that. Like no amount, even light amount of drinking isn't good for you. It is a poison and it's drinking ethanol. It's like what we feel our cars with and what we feel planes with it's and cleaners and solvents and everything like that. And like, I always felt like, oh, I can't drink like everybody else. I just want to drink like everybody else. Like I used to look up to you and be like, I wish I could just be like her, you know, like just drink like her. She doesn't ever say or do anything bad. You know, I don't know. It's silly, but normal people don't sit around comparing themselves to other people drinking. They don't go around saying like how... what ice chests am I going to pack to go to this event you know what I mean like it's not all about alcohol for everybody else and that I don't know that that in in itself was like major shift I think

SPEAKER_01: 12:46

I love that for you I love that you've had a major shift it's been um really cool as your friend what i witnessed with you was hard to navigate i remember not knowing how to be your friend because it was traumatic for me to be around you because that alcoholism took me right back to what I was trying to escape from on a daily basis living in my dysfunctional family. And so it was really hard because I wanted to be there for you, but I didn't want to like enable you. Like it's such a confusing dynamic to like figure out. And so when you were like, yeah, like I'm sober and it was I was amazing because there was something different about you this

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

time. And I have thought about like, I have hurt so many good people and we have hung out so many times that I'm sure I owe you an apology. Part of my drinking is I black out a whole lot of stuff. And right now I'm still struggling with how do I make amends to people? Like, how do you apologize for something you don't remember? Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's a lot. of it. And sometimes people are like, there's no way she doesn't remember, you know what I mean? But it's like, no, literally like that's how, you know, when you're five, two and like 120 days, like the amount of alcohol I drank on a daily basis, like I'm surprised I'm still alive, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01: 14:29

Yeah. God has a plan for your life. I think, um, That's why, you know, I really do. You should never shame yourself because you are still alive and you've been through more traumatic events than I think some people might go through in an entire lifetime. And you went through... half of those before I met you. And I met you when we were like, how old do you

SPEAKER_00: 14:59

know? 20 or 19. I was 19. I met you in 2003. Yeah, about not shaming yourself. And it's like, I know that I've heard a lot of good people that I, you know, some of those people still love me to this day. I think you're one of them. And it's like, you know, I don't know that I have to go and make a list and do an amends and do like a formal apology. Although I know I owe that to some people and I'm praying, you know, that's still an area that I'm kind of giving it to God and like still working through, like, how do you want me to repair relationships with other people or even not, you know what I mean? Like one person I'm thinking about in particular is, Um, it's a guy that's married to somebody else with kids. You know, I'm married to somebody else with kids and it is like, I don't want to reconnect with that person romantically or to like, I don't want to start anything up or whatever, but like, how do you say, I'm sorry for whatever I did that ended our friendship and pissed you off that bad. Um, or do you just make an amends by living your life right and doing the best you can every day and trying to help people struggling with the same thing?

SPEAKER_01: 16:11

Yeah, there's all that. And I mean, I don't know that I have the answers. You know, I'm not going to pretend that I do. But one thing that I felt laid on my heart just now was forgiving yourself, I think, is the place to start. And I recently went to a conference through the church I go to and it was amazing. It's called Freedom Conference and it was all about identifying bondage, like places that are like holding you captive in your life. And this prayer partner, it's really intense, really amazing. They make you go up front and have people pray over you, like whether you want to or not, like you don't have a choice. So you go up to this stranger and they're like, tell me about shame. And you just have to like sit there and hopefully be vulnerable enough to like tell them. And it's really amazing what happens because God moves and he uses them as a vessel So all this to say that I went up there. I felt really nervous. Like I felt like I didn't even like know what to say. And I just was like, uh, I remember my heart was like beating through my chest. And when I got up there, I started just like mumbling, like all this stuff I needed to get off my chest. And she was so sweet. She grabbed my hand and she put her hand over my heart. And she said, sweetie, you need to forgive yourself. She said, you just need to forgive yourself. And she said, like, God's forgiven you, but you need to forgive yourself. And it was really, I think, life-changing. I haven't really processed it yet, but I don't know that I realize that I haven't forgiven myself, you know? And I don't know. I kind of think that forgiveness is actually one of the most important things that could be talked about with inner healing but there's all these other things that going on in our life where we are literally holding people like for ransom in our heart we like have so much resentment and so much anger and it poisons our souls and To be honest, that's what was happening for me was like because of my childhood and all these things that happened to me as a child that I think like I should have been protected from and I wasn't. And now they're all coming to the surface because I'm going through my healing journey and processing everything that i've been holding on to or escaping from running from not letting come to the surface

SPEAKER_00: 19:17

and on that note i was like how how do you forgive yourself okay i feel like i'm working on that um I don't really have resentments is what I was like telling myself. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, you do. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, you do think about that. But I was thinking about how we were raised because, you know, a lot of wounds come from childhood. And, you know, was there one big traumatic experience or why was I protected from this? And I, you know, was thinking actually just thinking about that like this morning or last night. And I was like, it was, we got to remind ourselves. It was a different time back then. Right. Like, yeah. Imagine if I wouldn't have gotten sober and like found the freedom and found the inner healing through therapy, like through intensive therapy for like the capital T traumas, you know, they were like trauma there's capital T trauma and there's little T traumas, but everybody has some sort of trauma. But if I wouldn't have had the extensive therapy using specialized skills that they used to help heal those inner wounds and found freedom and not drinking anymore and all that, I would probably be in the same pattern, you know, the same negative thought process. And, you know, we're hurt people also raising kids. And it's like, if we don't change now, that the programming just continues on to them. And sometimes to your point, like, why wasn't I protected? I think about that when I look at my kids. I'm like, I would fight off anything with my bare hands in order to protect them. And I don't know why that wasn't. I mean, it's hard to say it without saying it right. Like, I feel like I was raised in a really strict household where I was very protected and in the beginning but then like it kind of was like hands in the air I think as a teenager maybe um I I don't know but I'm still kind of like praying that you know I'm praying for my mom too that she can find healing in her own old wounds and past traumas and everything like that and to truly find forgiveness for herself and for other people and for all the hurt and the pain and, and not just my mom, but everybody else that's been through everything too, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 21:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 21:54

We all have it.

SPEAKER_01: 21:56

We do. And I, um, I think that's such an important point is like the generational trauma, you know, or I've heard some people call it different things. And I had never even heard about that until I went to church. But yeah, like. our grandparents had patterns and sayings and actions and all kinds of stuff that you just inherit. Like then, then my mom said what they said and then they said it to me and then I say it to my kids. And it's like, you know, nowadays the information is readily available. And I think like, If you're willing to pursue it, it's worth it because like I started to learn about like gentle parenting, right? And so whether I'm going to be a gentle parent or not, you cannot say that those techniques are not extremely helpful to find enough compassion to show your kids that like you really do care about their emotions and what they're going through to be patient enough to want to show up for them in the way that they really need you to and um that's when i learned like oh this saying that my dad has used my entire life what's wrong with you what's wrong with you it was said to me my entire childhood never thought twice about it said it to cyrus and um He's 10 now. And a few years ago, me and my husband had this chat and I said, that's so wrong. Like, I never want to say that to him again. And I never want to say that to my daughter. And we need to make a pact like as parents and as a family that like we are not going to talk like that. And this is the proof in parenting that kids are mirrors of us my son would say uh what's wrong with you to my daughter because he's he picked it up and now and i have to correct him and to this day you will find me correcting him because it's so programmed into him so i think like There's the innocent side where some people don't think twice about it, where it really matters is like, how intentional are we really being intentional? In our everyday life, like not just as parents, like how intentional are we about the way we're living? And like, what are we putting into our body? And how are we treating other people? And how are we talking to other people and hurt people, hurt people? So are we like hurting people, right? Without realizing it on a daily basis. And the last point I want to make, and then I'll shut up, is that you know when we are high or drunk we don't know what's going on in the next room so Could we have been putting our kids in situations just like our parents did to us without thinking twice about it? Right? Yeah, of course we were because we were high and drunk. Like, that's the reality. If we don't remember what happened yesterday, then what could we have said to our kids when we weren't really like cognizant of what was going on? And maybe we weren't abusing them or doing some big trauma to them, but surely we were putting them in some kind of situation where they may even have had a moment of like, what's wrong with mommy, you know? And that for me is huge because I'll never forget the first time I realized my mom was drunk and I didn't know what alcohol was. I didn't know what being drunk was, but I was eight or nine. And I was like, you're acting weird. Like what's wrong with you? You know? And it's like, yeah, I can laugh about it, but that's my first memory of, oh, like something's wrong here. She's not acting like my mom anymore. Yeah. And that was really, for me, scary because recently, in the last two years, I've had multiple experiences where I did that. And my kids are old enough now to have those memories and those moments. And not that they have said that to me, but I recognize that I had put them in that situation. And I felt so much shame about it. And then I did it again, even though I told myself I wouldn't do it again. And then I did it again. And then I said, nope, that's it for me. Like I did it on July 4th, a year ago. And I said, nope. I'm never doing this again because it stops here. I am not going to repeat the patterns and the childhood that I had. Like I will not do that to my children. I'm not doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 27:43

For sure. Ella has a really good long-term memory too. Like she remembers stuff from like when she was like one, right? And so I'm like, I really got to be careful about how I'm living my life now because like, I also feel like that's part of, um, I have a twin sister and we were raised obviously in the same house, but sometimes I wonder if we had two separate childhoods, you know what I mean? Like, or I just like internalize stuff or I don't know what it is about my physiological makeup that, you know, some things affected me different than her. I experienced things different than her, but I think my long-term memory is is really really good my short time i couldn't tell you what i had for breakfast like yesterday but my long-term memory is is really good but i think with that comes you remember some of the stuff that other people don't remember um and then you have to deal with it or some somehow like get it out of your body and not like carry it around like you said for 40 years you know I was meeting with my therapist. Her married name now is Kelly Pryor. And I actually touched base with her the other day. I haven't talked to her in probably a few years, but I wanted to give her credit where credit's due because through her therapy, some of the skills that she used was EMDR, which is really good for people that have been through like capital T trauma and then internal family systems, which is the therapeutic technique that she used that like helped, whatever I'm going through like deal with it right now yes like we're not all focused on the past but also like how would you have wanted that to be handled for you when you were a kid like what did you need in that moment and then that's how it's showing up now and then that's how it's showing up in my parenting now like being able to talk about our emotions and being able to the other day Ella was outside and the neighbor girl Ella has a hard time with stop stopping play right when with someone that she likes and so the neighbor girl was like I got to get back to whatever she was doing doesn't want to play anymore and Ella was extremely upset and like ran off into the side of my yard and I was driving in the Elsa car like this little kid car I was driving with Rora and I was like what's wrong Ella and she was like get away from me you know like she wanted she kept pushing me away as I was like driving towards her and then I stopped and I asked myself like if I were her like go back to when you were a little kid because you remember it like yesterday like what would you need in this moment then I like got out of the car and I was like do you need a hug and she like ran up to me with open arms you know and just was crying and it's like I don't I don't know any of this, but I'm learning now. Like I'm learning how to talk about emotions. I'm learning how to put sentences together, probably sober for the first time in a long time. Anyway, so. It's so good. Well, go ahead. Well, it all connects. Like helping myself, like learn how to process emotions and talk about them, you know, helps heal the old wounds from my past, but also helps not create wounds for my kids, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 31:21

Yeah, absolutely. This is really good. I feel like I'm going to need to go back and re-listen to what you just said. I'm like, I need that too. Part of my journey over the last year was learning about parenting your inner child. And I didn't really even know what that was, but I went down this rabbit trail. Like I learned, oh, I'm codependent. And then I learned, oh, I'm Inner child wounds. And so I have like a few pages filled out in a journal. But I did learn through all the gentle parenting stuff that everybody at the end of the day, they just want to feel seen and heard. That's it. That's all people need. They need their needs met. They need someone to say, I see you and I care about you. They don't need you to fix it. They don't need you to like solve their problem. Just like women and men, like how often do we just want to talk and how how often have I felt so pissed because instead of you know my spouse being like I'm so sorry you're hurting what do you need no like instead of

SPEAKER_00: 32:39

that and the screwdriver and he's trying to fix your problem

SPEAKER_01: 32:43

Yeah, or just a complete lack of awareness that I need some empathy, right? It's just like, hello. But I learned that all those moments that I was a complete psycho in the middle of his in my arguments, literally, literally jumping up in the air, like a like a three year old throwing a tantrum, screaming at the top of my lungs, jumping up and down. like a like a crazy person and it's so like weird to me because I have childhood memories of my mom doing the exact same thing and I recognize now that it is simply you feel so unheard and so hurt and so unable to express what it what it actually is and So I felt trapped and all I needed was somebody to see me. It's funny. It's making me emotional. Um, yeah, I just needed some, I just, I just in that moment needed a hug or I needed like somebody to see me. And it was like, um, yeah. Now I've learned the tools. Now I've learned about emotions. Now I've learned to recognize the warning signs in my, and I've had to teach my daughter all of this because she deals with like emotional dysregulation. And so I've had to learn, like, how do I parent her? And, um, what I learned was like recognize the signals in your body like be able to name the emotion and then ask yourself what do I really need and then you have to have the courage to ask for it like you have to literally be like I'm really upset I need a hug like because we have to as adults not get mad that our husbands don't know we need a hug like we need to be able to say I need the hug you know and that for me is a lot harder to do than it sounds because I recognize that I've been I've somehow trained myself to never ask for anything I need it's like I

SPEAKER_00: 35:19

guess anything that you want and deserve I feel like a big part of the inner healing and the journey and the healing and the sobriety it all goes together but I feel like a lot of it was I had to start advocating for self-care like it's summertime and it's like well are you going to work this summer I don't I don't know yet I work in education that's part of why I worked in education for when I have kids I could spend summer with them but also I'm going to send them to daycare three days a week for my mental health like so I can make therapy appointments or something I can go get my hair done or so I can clean the whole house by myself or so I can do whatever it is you know that we do during the day but it's like a lot of people they don't even know like the dads they don't know what it's like they're not here they've never been a stay-at-home mom and it is different if you've stayed at home alone with your kids that's different than every day all day long raising keeping these tiny humans alive and it is easier when you talk about I gave up my career or I was just a stay-at-home mom and I'm like no being from somebody that has done both like right because I'm home with them during the summer and I also you know work during the school year but it's like from someone who it is who has done both it is easier to go out into the workforce and do a job like being a stay-at-home mom it's not just a just thing it's a that is the most important job sorry that the hours and the pay suck but like it is the most important job that you can do.

SPEAKER_01: 36:58

Oh, thank you. That makes me feel, that makes me feel seen. And I don't want to spend today's call talking about it, but I have a lot of wounds regarding that whole issue still that I'm still trying to like process. And it's a weird

SPEAKER_00: 37:19

thing for me, but to make it about me, and like what I'm dealing with is like advocating for self-care like they don't get it they don't know you need to be the one to say I need this this and this or I need to go figure out what this and this is like for me it has been therapy for myself family therapy for all of us they come to our house it's amazing I mean what what else is what are some of the the things that I bought some limelife. Like I'm not saying retail therapy is the way to go, but like sometimes some good products and skincare and, you know, makeup products, like we need those things. Society expects us not to, you know, like we rolled out of bed when we go in to public. So it's like whatever you need. And, and I worked, I worked part time. You know, they didn't take taxes out, which was great, but like not really because you have to eventually pay that back. But it's like whatever I needed to do, I was like, I'm going to make getting sober a priority. I'm going to make my mental health a priority. And that in turn is making my family a priority. And everything else can take a backseat to that.

SPEAKER_01: 38:37

Yes. Yeah. You have me like, yeah, yeah. I feel like... yeah like powered up because yeah it's a message I need to hear myself and it's weird because it is the message that I'm teaching like in the makeup that matters which is combining like self-worth with beauty but it's like at the end of the day our needs matter and I think for me Yeah, a big part of this was taking responsibility and not pointing fingers. Because for a really long time, I told my husband, like, I need to go to therapy. And he didn't automatically, you know, say no. Okay, go. No, there was none of that. But I also didn't say, hey, can we include this in the family budget? Like, how can we actually make this happen? I never would take it there. So I would like me like a mouse, raise something and expect him to like run with it. And I've had to recognize and take responsibility that I never spoke up enough to ask for what I needed. And for 10 fucking years, and I have to put the fuck in there because I have been denying my own needs for 10 fucking years.

SPEAKER_00: 40:15

Probably a lot longer than that.

SPEAKER_01: 40:18

Yeah, you're right. Probably 40 or 30 or long enough, right? Like, whatever. And so... That's why I think staying at home was so hard for me because it, It tripled that. It compounded me not being able to feel like I could ask for my needs. And it all trickles back to childhood. It all trickles back to having a dysfunctional family and an alcoholic parent, because I've learned this, that when you were raised by an alcoholic parent, you feel like your needs don't matter because they choose the alcohol over you. every time. And it is a sickness and it is a disease. And I thank God for some of the programs that I enrolled in. I paid literally six or seven hundred dollars and my mom was amazing. And she's like, honey, if you really need this, I'll help you with it. What was it? So Tony Robbins, like the big guru, personal help guy, is married to a woman named Sage Robbins. I had never heard of her. I got a Facebook ad one day. Her program was called Unleash Her Power. I was wallowing in like despair.

UNKNOWN: 41:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 41:45

That changed my life. It was one of the first times I invested in myself significantly and like said yes to something I knew I needed. And so many benefits. It's the reason I've forgiven my mom. I had so much pain and so much hurt. And so for all these years, I've felt alone. Like, why doesn't anybody else care? And why am I in this alone? And it's taken me all this time to realize I was wrong. I'm the unhealthy one. That's what being codependent is, is putting somebody else's needs before your own and making all your decisions based on what other people need. And I have lived like that my entire life. And so her program is is what helped me. It was really beautiful. She would say, we're all just having, and her voice is so like gentle and soft. She's like, we're all just having this human existence. Like we're all just having this human existence. And it was a year ago, honestly, like my short-term memories like yours, I don't remember anything, anything. And my kids are like, mom, what's wrong with you? Because I don't remember anything. anything ever and I think it's because I smoked so much freaking weed my whole life or because I blocked everything out I don't know but anyways she helped me to recognize that my mom is just a person she's just a person with faults and that I don't have to take everything she did personally and that I have to love her for where she's at and who she is and and and it doesn't have to be about me and about what happened and about what she did or didn't do like I've been able to separate her actions maybe that's what it is I've separated her actions from like her heart right Like, who is she as a person? She's a child of God, just like me or you or anybody else. And she was full of her own hurt. And I know that she suffered a lot of capital T trauma at a very young age and never processed any of it. I just would dream that one day she could be... She would set herself free by... by going on the journey we're on right now of, you know, walking it out, like confronting it. I

SPEAKER_00: 44:37

feel like codependency, I was like, what? I've heard that word so many times. I was like, I am not even going to look that word up because that sounds like something that I am. So thank you for describing it and like putting a definition to that. I'm really trying not to go down like the label hole which is weird as that's what I do for a living, right? Like I evaluate students and then we, you know, I don't like the word diagnosis, but like we have to pick an eligibility, right? Like, is it a learning disability? Is it another health impairment for ADHD? Is it this or is it that? And now I'm like trying to take another approach where it's like not about the label, it's about the need, right? So we all as humans have like emotions and we all, struggle with things. I'm glad that you recognize it and you have awareness about it, but you don't have to take that label on for yourself, I feel like. And I feel the same way about alcoholism. Like, am I an alcoholic? I think there is a danger in even asking that question. I remember you and I had this conversation and you're like, am I an alcoholic? Who the hell am I to say if you are or not? And there's no... quantifying list right like you can take an online quiz and you know the truth of the matter is if you're asking that question then obviously it's becoming an issue for you and you need to address it without taking on like the lifelong label of alcoholic yeah and it's not a prison sentence it's not a death sentence like I've been sober like a hundred times but like every time except this time it's been like I've had that nervous energy of like oh how do I even function and talk around people that I don't really know that well without alcohol you know and it's like I'm like learning to crawl again I mean not really but it's kind of like I heard this somewhere don't quote me on it but it's like you kind of Are the same age that you were when you started drinking. If you have had a big problem with it, like your whole life. So like technically I'm 15, you know what I mean? Like I'm still learning how to. Wow. To do things that. You know, like that's still a gap where like your, your brain and your body is developing. And I kind of feel like when, if that's where your hurt is. Wherever that wound is. And. pick it for yourself or whatever, but wherever that wound is, it's almost like you're still that age until you start addressing it through all the strategies that we're talking about.

SPEAKER_01: 47:20

Yeah, just to validate that, one of my podcast guests Cindy said that actually yeah our episode was on her husband who was addicted to drugs and she said he's had to literally like relearn like just how to like function in

SPEAKER_00: 47:40

society some things that were said to me that just about anything you know what I mean where it's like yes we have to see the positive there's so much negative self-talk I've been negative for so long. And I'm starting to see that in every day words that come out of my mouth and everyday, you know, life. And thankfully, I'm aware of it now. And I'm trying to get better, you know, for my kids and, and all that. But it's like, there's also a such a thing as a toxic positivity, too.

SPEAKER_01: 48:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 48:12

Right? Like, Chin up, you know what I mean? Sorry, that wasn't directed at anybody specifically, but you know what I mean? And then I look back on it and I'm like, okay, maybe then I try and change my mindset. Like sometimes I think back on what I thought was toxic positivity and like maybe those people were just trying to help. Like you've got to quit drinking. You've got to get in therapy. You need to get sober. I think that's different than, well, that was hard to hear. That's different. Then everything's going to be okay. Just suck it up. Life isn't that bad. That kind of thing, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 48:46

Yeah. That is the opposite of what you needed in those moments, right? Like we're saying we need to be seen. We need to be validated, which is a hundred percent. I think what this whole conversation's about is validating people's emotions. And that's the opposite of it. And it sounds like you were probably raised that way, you know, that that's what was said to you, like, suck it up. And like, that's... That's how like, you know, I'm sure my parents were raised like deal with it kind of thing, you know? And it is interesting how like the eras of the times, it's kind of like everybody was raised that way in that era and they didn't know any better because they were just repeating what they were told. It's like

SPEAKER_00: 49:36

the generational thing, but it really was a different time for people that didn't have their, you couldn't Google. Like I had a therapy session the other day, I feel like with Chet. GPT like with AI you know what I mean yeah no they the internet wasn't even around back then like so when I want to get on my judgmental high horse about you know why wasn't it better why didn't it ever change like why was that just the status quo and why it was not okay well that's just how it was but now that we know better when you know better you do better right and and That's what hurts the most. I think it's like, I feel like I've grown and I've let, and I've shed and I've let a lot of this stuff go. And some people haven't yet, and they're still sitting in it and you, they might say that they're not, but like when you talk to them and old hurts and wounds continually come up, you know, like, no, you, you haven't found it yet. And like, there, there is no excuse anymore. Not to like, there is therapy, there is health, there is church, there is whatever, whatever, you know, out of the 5,000 coping strategies that we have nowadays, like pick one,

SPEAKER_01: 50:52

Yeah, it's interesting. First of all, there's a lot of Christians who are caught up in religion who can repeat lots of scripture, but don't actually walk it out. It's about the state of your heart. It's about the posture of your heart. It's about your relationship with Jesus and God. It's not about rules, right? And so it's like, that's an issue. And then you have people who aren't Christians who Right. It's funny. I have a friend who's not a Christian and her husband's family is. And she's like, what do y'all do with those things? Like, I'm just so curious. Like, what do you even talk about? And it's like, that's what you talk about is like your flesh side and your spiritual side, because they are opposite. Like your flesh is selfish. Your flesh wants immediate satisfaction. Your flesh is greedy. Your flesh wants to feel good. Your flesh wants things now. Your flesh wants to point the finger at other people. Your spirit is God's nature and like God's essence. It's never in a hurry. It is always not assuming the worst about anything. It is walking in love. And love is the opposite of anger. pointing the finger it's the opposite you know like love conquers all god is love it's all about love like I feel like at the end of the day if I can just always take myself back to this place of love everything changes for me everything everything yeah

SPEAKER_00: 52:54

including loving yourself too and being kind to yourself is a big part of it

SPEAKER_01: 52:59

yeah huge and And that's what can help

SPEAKER_00: 53:05

us stay sober too. So that's what you have to do to yourself. And I feel like I've, I've gotten really good. And you know, the 40 years of beating myself up and like what I have pointed the finger at myself for a long time, like you can recognize it. Right. So the awareness, then what I tell it, get out of here. That is not a God. Right. That is not loving. That is not helpful in any way. You know, like, Like, what do you, how do you, how do you tackle negative self-talk?

SPEAKER_01: 53:38

Yeah. I mean, I wanted to bring this up and I feel like it brought us full circle because earlier in the conversation, you brought up how you didn't like using labels and what I've learned recently, I was listening to an interesting talk with two people and And they were talking about the difference between affirmations and like mantras. And it was really interesting because the difference is in an affirmation, you're using the words I am. So it's about identity. So there's a really big difference between just like saying something or accepting something as truth and then actually like putting that on yourself as like who you are. And so that's why I'm always talking about the Bible and renewing your mind in Christ, because if you truly believe in God and you truly believe you're his child and he, his word tells you, you are made in his image. The Bible tells you, you are loved. Do you have the mind of Christ? You are chosen. You, um, are accepted. You are loved. Like, there's so many positive things. You can tell yourself you're stupid, or you could choose to tell yourself that you have the mind of Christ. I really do try to remind myself of, like, who am I in Christ? The biggest thing, though, is I've discovered we have to get to the root of what we actually believe about ourselves, and that yeah reading an affirmation is great but if you don't believe it it is not going to actually really do much for you and so that's why you know God gave me a vision and I think eventually I do see myself doing life coaching with people but the number one thing I want to do with people and inviting every listener to do with me now is identify your core beliefs about whatever area it is you struggle with and like that's that's going like on another level of deepness that I feel like a lot of people they don't go that deep like they journal you can journal and you can brain dump and you can evaluate like where your head's at and like yes we're full of negative thoughts but what if you really are looked at that journal and could see a pattern. What if you were able to say, this is what I actually believe about who I am, right? And so I think that, first of all, you have to know where you're coming from. Like if you're trying to improve your life or like if you're trying to go to Mexico, where's Mexico? Well, where am I now? Well, where's your start and where do you want to end up? You can't get there if you don't know where you're starting from. So I think like being brave enough to being truthful enough with yourself about what it is you actually believe. And like, where did that belief come from? Because it may have come from a teacher. It may have come from your mom. It may have come from her mom. Like it may have come from a friend. It may have come from an ex-boyfriend who said you were a piece of shit. Like, you know what I mean? So whatever we believe about ourselves, we have to figure out where it's coming from. And then you have to combat it with truth. That's when you go, oh, but I'm a child of God. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that's where, you know, that's where being in the word matters. That's why reading your Bible matters. Like all of this is just fluff if you're not going to open it and receive the words in your own heart. It doesn't mean anything. They're just words.

SPEAKER_00: 57:58

I went to church yesterday and I do feel, I feel like there's a big difference. And, you know, if we're sick and we can't go to how that week plays out is a lot different than if, if we do go, you know, and back in the day, I didn't really make that connection. I'm like, Oh, I'm spiritual. I don't need church. You know what I mean? Cause somewhere I heard that and I was like, that sounds fun. That's what I want to do. And it's like, no, it's kind of like inner healing is you, you do have, have to put in the work and the work isn't some rigid system of you have to lists out your character defects. You know, we have character defects, but we're not defective. You know, we, we have stuff, you know, these limiting beliefs, like there's more positive words. And I do, I do feel like, like in special education, we use people first language, right? Like, um, when people refer to a kid as autistic or dyslexic, instead of having autism or having dyslexia. Oh, yeah. I mean, just that little shift of people first language, like you put the kid first and that's what we need to do to our own selves, right? Yes. Like in how we talk about ourselves, we need to put ourselves first. And then, yes, we have these struggles, but I'm not an alcoholic. I refuse to put that label on myself. It's not a prison sentence. It's not... like a lifelong FOMO, like fear of missing out. Like I can't drink. I can't go to that party. Like I don't even want to do those things anymore. You know, like I want to hang out or I want to go to bed early and get good sleep. So, you know,

SPEAKER_01: 59:43

feel good. Yeah. It's like, I just want to feel good and have my mind like not be working against me.

SPEAKER_00: 59:51

Yes, I have been sleep deprived for 40 years or whatever, or whatever 41 minus 15 is like, that's how long I've had sleep deprivation. Like when you're drinking, your body does not reach REM sleep as much as it should as many times as it should, if at all. And like, that's where you process the emotional stuff of what you've been through that day. That's where you're you process memory. And yes, I think as parents, we are probably going to be sleep deprived for the rest of our life. then that's fine. Cause that's what we signed up for, but it's way different than being sleep deprived as a mom and being hung over on top of it and like having that haze and that cloud.

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:30

Yes, absolutely. And all the shame that goes with what you didn't remember.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:35

Right. Yeah. That's the best part. Yeah. So thankful. I don't have that anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:44

I'm so thankful too. It lights me. I love seeing you like this. I feel like you're full of peace. Like there is a difference between just how, how you, uh, like your essence. I don't know how else to explain it. There's a piece about you and a beauty about you that, um, you know, just is really different than I've seen in the past and it's beautiful and it's, amazing because like you said when we make these decisions and we put our self as a priority I think that's the most beautiful gift is like everyone else in our life benefits from it like then we get to show up as this whole person who isn't lacking and who's not projecting on other people I'm speaking for myself but it's like our kids are better and our Our husbands are better off and our families better off and our sisters and our siblings and our mom and the world because look at us like doing the scary courageous work being brave, like affecting other people in a good way with our story. I mean it's It has a ripple effect and I think it's, it's important. So I love you so much. And I'm really grateful that like you were brave and I was brave and that we did this. Thank you for the

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:16

way you validate me. I also feel like you put into words like so eloquently what I do struggle to kind of put into words, two things that have stuck out to me this time about the way I just, I feel like it's a whole life shift. Two things that got to me. I read Quit Like a Woman. It was recommended by my previous therapist. While I don't agree with everything that she talks about, I feel like it was a really valuable tool to help get sober. The Reframe app also helped. It's like kind of built-in therapy, you know, it talks about and it has little, you can choose to journal or not. Like it's a really cool app. It does cost money, but there's also a free trial. Yeah. But I wanted to, I guess, bring up Rat Park, like the opposite of addiction is connection, right? Okay, so there's these rats and they're doing a study and this guy's like, they have one water bottle that is water and the other one's like laced with whatever drug. I think it was multiple drugs, depending on what setting they were in or what study. And the rats that were alone, you know, some of them overdosed. a lot of them got addicted but then the other study was like okay let's give them a rat park with like all these tunnels to do exercise mating places to mate like places to have friendships and they still had the regular water and the drug water and they integrated them into society and they stopped some of them stopped drinking no one OD'd in rat park and you know, they started thriving. Like rats got sober in Rat Park. I mean, that's crazy to think, right? But it's like, that's how important it is to like work on yourself and your friendships. And I thank you for that. Like you have stuck by me through so much and for so long. And I love you for that. And I feel like I met, you know, somebody up here, Molly, you know, and I moved. That's another thing I wanted to bring up was like, I no longer have that same gas station that I would always stop at. Like I got out of my habit and that like autopilot zone. And I am somewhere with a strong support system that is like helping me be a better mom because it's not all falling on me. And I'm just so thankful for all of it. And I want other people to have what I have. So I hope that people got what they needed to hear, whether it be like, yes, move. to your support system. Like it's okay to pack up and move. Like it's going to be all right. Or maybe you don't because the interest rates suck and all that other stuff. So it's just like, I hope that, I hope that someone got what they needed to hear from us talking today.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:05

Yep. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay. Well, this is a beautiful conversation. You're amazing. I have no doubt that this is going to enter people's hearts and just create little ripples of, of, um, I want to say change, but I don't know if that's the right word. I almost feel like it's going to help people break free, like break free and rise up. You know, I think there's so much power and like choosing, choosing ourselves. It's very, it's an empowering conversation. I

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:44

love you so much. Thank you for having me on and I will see you at, Your next makeup class. Oh,

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:53

I love you so much. I love you. Alrighty, I so appreciate you still hanging in here. It was a long conversation, but it was so good. And believe it or not, there's more where that came from. I may drop a bonus episode in the next few days if you can't get enough Nicole. But if this conversation left you feeling lighter, that is the contagious freedom of Christ at work. And here are three kind of just takeaways that I hope and pray stay with you. I want to remind you that your enough moment doesn't need drama. That healing starts when you ask, is this thing still serving me? And then number two, the next right thing is enough. Text that friend, book the therapy session, start writing in your journal. Say I need help out loud. Just remember that redemption isn't a one-time event, and that's what happens when we keep showing up and when we turn it over to God. Like, yes, Jesus's work on the cross covers everything, but that doesn't mean we can't still put in the action and say, trust God to meet us there. Also, remember, number three, God's timing is strategic. This episode dropping near 4th of July, it's a love note. Your liberation matters to him. And as America celebrates independence, declare yours from shame, from old labels, and from whatever's held you captive. And because freedom grows in community, join us in Her Identity Project sisterhood. That is our community on Facebook, and it's where women just like you are hanging out together. We can pray together, we can talk about real struggles that we're having, and even celebrate our wins together. So just remember that you are worthy of every good and perfect gift that God has planned for you, and you're already free. So don't Be sure to walk in that freedom and love yourself the way God loves you. Oh my gosh. Thank you for listening. If you got something out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Her Identity Project on your favorite podcast platform. Make sure you're notified about new episodes. Please hit the like, the share buttons, get on social media, spread the word. Please take time to leave me a review. That would mean more to me than you could ever know. And it helps get eyes on this show so that other people can If you're loving it, please hit me up in my DMs. I absolutely want to hear your feedback. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you next time.